sigh. yesterday wasn't such an eventful one. ever so lost. ever so down. I still see the images that flowed through my mind so vividly, once. but never to greet me again. had a pms-y time with that fat groupmate of mine. NDOC disaster, catastrophe, end of days, and the list just goes on and on. I guess I've myself to blame for being too complacent too. being too complacent with my job and everything else that matters to this choir. sigh. God, I've failed again. everytime I'm given a responsibility, a job, I would always fail. please help me. I'm so lost, I'm so confused, I don't know what to do with myself. it ended up with a really long chat with the conductor. I guess I was at a lost myself over what to do with him too. halfway I asked God to tell me what to do. then it dawn to me, either my spirit or Him told me to give the chap another chance rather than just erase him from the picture.

I guess the only happy thing was that I won $75 from the young lions vs sengkang match. but I feel bad myself too because Darren told me it was a sin to gamble. I'm sorry God. please forgive me and help me learn.

it's funny. it's really funny. because recently I've been frayed with thoughts. myself and you. I wish I was stronger, I wish I won't fall anymore. but, I still wish something more. it's become a figment. something that I dreamt, but I just can't have it as my dream anymore. each trudge, each step, each morning I wake and time I close them. you will always be in my prayers. but how can I tell you. how can I put it anymore. how can I do it. when there's nothing left in me and you. to even step away from this coldness we face with each other. I hate myself with each day that pass. the more each day of silence passes, the more I hate myself for not being myself. for being worst than myself. sometimes I wonder. when people look into the mirror. they see themselves. but they face other people. they see the beast of themselves. I am that man.

God, I'm sorry. I broke fasting for 2 days in a row. please help me not to break the third one. ever since breaking fast I feel so weak. it's funny how You have worked in me your wonders and miracles. I don't feel myself as I was before. I feel different. God, I'm still emotionally weak within myself. please help me to be stronger in this area. I hate myself for crying each day for the people I care for, for the things I can't do, for the things I shouldn't do, for everything that I've ran away from and from the girl I still love. please empower me lord. amen.

for the people out there, to those who still carry a love, a love that can never happen again. this is for all of you and you.

A Boat, That Drives on Love

Oceans and waves departs my heart,
torrents of ripples that never break my heart.
In this boat of love that I row; to you,
I pray would be.

In each, I never seem to hold,
but with each time, I surmount to blow,
in you I wish I could hold.

But like the torrents and ripples;
I can never hold,
and so my love.
Take with me this boat of love,
so that I may bring,
another boat that drives on love.